


Haunted Mind, Haunted Heart

by GlowingMechanicalHeart



Series: Cassian Appreciation Week [9]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Cassian Andor-centric, CassianAppreciationWeek, Gen, Regrets, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 23:42:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19936465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlowingMechanicalHeart/pseuds/GlowingMechanicalHeart
Summary: Cassian Andor did not believe in ghosts. They were not real. People died and that was it, and it was such a comforting thought. You die and you were gone forever. So, he did not believe in ghost. At least not on the ones where people said they saw some's specter walking, standing or simply there. He did not believe in that. Not at all.Except on certain days.





	Haunted Mind, Haunted Heart

**Author's Note:**

> For [TheFulcrumCaptain](https://thefulcrumcaptain.tumblr.com)'s Cassian Appreciation Week, day 2: Ghosts.

Cassian Andor did not believe in ghosts. They were not real. People died and that was it, and it was such a comforting thought. You die and you were gone forever. So, he did not believe in ghost. At least not on the ones where people said they saw some's specter walking, standing or simply there. He did not believe in that. Not at all.

Except on certain days.

There were days where he felt sudden chills. He could be standing there, doing nothing and a sudden wind breeze would blow and he would do a full body shiver. He would feel the hairs on the back of his head stand up. Goosebumps would rise on his skin and he would rub himself to make them go away. He paid them no mind, for the most part. He didn't have the time to feel sorry for himself. He had a duty to the Rebellion, he could not afford to worry about himself. Sudden chills were nothing to worry about, after all, they never landed him on the medcenter. So he was fine. For the most part.

Other days he would hear voices. Voices of men who weren't there, men whom he had pulled a trigger and killed. He could hear them loud and clear. He could hear them calling for him, asking why he'd sent them to their graves. He would start to hum then, to sing himself a song and ignore the sounds that surrounded him. Sometimes he'd talk to Kay. About anything and everything to keep himself from paying attention to the voices. Other times he would do what he rarely did, find himself in company of others in order to drown the voices in his head.

More than a few times, he would see shadow figures out of the corner of his eye. Some days it took all his willpower not to rush towards it, not to raise his gun and shoot a warning shot. Other days he was not so strong. He would twist, shout for the person to come out and show themselves, only to find emptiness. No shadows. No figures there. No living being standing close. He would remain on guard, gun up and heart racing, waiting to see if that had been a fluke. To see if there was anyone who would challenge him. When no one came, he would lower his gun and close his eyes. He hated it, hated the feeling of being constantly watched, how could he not? After all, when he was on a mission, he needed his senses, he needed to be alert. He could not allow himself to be distracted by the shadows.

His nights and dreams offered no respite. He had lost count of the amount of times he had woken up in cold sweat. For his dreams so vivid he could feel them, he could smell the blood he's spilled. It's taste on the tip of his tongue. He could feel people dying in his dreams. His mind would play his kills over and over again, giving him no peace. And more often than not, sleep would elude him for the rest of the night.

Cassian Andor did not believe in ghosts, but he knew himself to be haunted. Haunted by his childhood, by seeing his father die trying to better for Fest. By his work for the Rebellion, having to kill people he had known. Haunted by the Empire, for all those good people it has cut down without mercy.

Cassian Andor's mind was a haunted house. A living, breathing house that mercilessly replayed every failure, every bloody victory. A house that enjoyed making him suffer with vivid memories. A house full of the ghost of his past, present and likely future. Because he knows, that so long as he kills, the ghost will follow him.

But he keeps going, he keeps waking up every single day to fight the Empire. He could live with himself, even when he knew he had done some terrible things. It would all be worth it in the end. So he keeps pushing. Keeps accepting missions even when he felt bone weary. The ghost could wait.

He kept hoping that one day, everything he had done would be enough. Hoping that one day, the galaxy would know true peace. Would know freedom. Only then he would deal with his ghost full on.

"Rebellions are built on hope," he had told Jyn, that it was something he lived it. He lived it because he could hardly give himself to his ghosts. He could not allow himself to give in, he needed to live, he needed to see the Empire shatter.

But as he laid down, Galen Erso on his aim. Something caught in his throat. It was Jyn's eyes. And in that very moment, Cassian understood his problem. It wasn't only his mind that was haunted, but his heart too. Both mind and heart heavy with a self imposed burden. One that he carried alone. And cursed the moment Jyn Erso came into his life and shook his whole being. Now he could not bring himself to open fire.

Galen Erso's ghost was someone he did not want haunting him. He did not know why, but he couldn't do it, he couldn't add this man to his ghosts. Perhaps it was because of Jyn. Or it was because even when he worked, Galen Erso added one lethal flaw to the Empire's weapon. A single act of rebellion that could flip the war on their favor.

So he lowered his weapon.

Cassian Andor was haunted by ghosts, but Galen Erso would not be one of them. Let him be haunted, but he would not take Galen from Jyn himself. Let it someone else's hands who do the deed. He could not. He would not. And under the rain, Cassian Andor did not took a shot, disobeyed orders for once. For once, his ghosts were silent. For once, his ghosts approved.


End file.
